A lot of people miss the point of Eurovision. The point is not talent or skill or beautiful dresses or love ballads performed soulfully or even continental unity. The point is gaudiness, cheesiness, enthusiasm, and bigger fireworks than the previous contestant. What Eurovision is really, really about is neon rapper squid singing about wanting to fuck you. Tenderly.
Here are some of my favourites that have the point firmly in hand.
- Push the Button - The Teapacks / Israel 2007. What are you doing? How many languages have you sung in over the course of one minute? Is that an accordion? Why are you wearing that? Why is there a rap interlude? Why are you singing about terrorism for Eurovision? WHY THE FUCK NOT.
- OPA! - Giorgios Alkaios & Friends / Greece 2010. I have no idea what this guy is singing about, but it’s catchy and he’s backed up by four incredibly flexible, buff guys in black leather and fingerless gloves. I’m down.
- Dancing Lasha Tumbai - Verka Serduchka / Ukraine 2007. This band wins best costumes from me. We will never again have such perfect silver military disco space squid headpieces on television. Also: very bouncy, very catchy. Also: buttpats. ENTHUSIASM!
- Ovo Je Balkan - Milan Stankovic / Serbia 2010. BALKAN, BALKAN, BALKAN, OVO JE BALKAN, COME ON. I really appreciate countries that send their performers out in traditional dress, those dresses are rad, this fella’s hair is terrible, this song has a wonderful case of the hiccups. In the final minute everyone changes into beautiful/terrible clothing from a teen magazine from 1995.
- Hard Rock Hallelujah - Lordi / Finland 2006. This song won Eurovision in its year. We can point to this and go: see, there is justice in the world. This is Lordi in an Iceland flag hat and an outfit out of Star Trek. IT’S THE AROCKALYPSE. His microphone is an axe.
- Allez, Ola, Ole - Jessy Matador / France 2010. Sequins and bright white pants and hip gyrations and buttpats and a great light show. One fella doesn’t have a shirt on. Thank you, Jessy Matador.
- Eastern European Funk - Inculto / Lithuania 2010. The show is unabashedly silly, the lyrics are a raised middle finger and a wink at all of western Europe, I jam to this so hard. I love the dancing stick figures on the screen. Not to spoil this for you, but at one point they rip their plaid pants off to reveal glitter shorts. Inculto should collab with the Teapacks.
- So Lucky - Zdob si Zdub / Moldova 2011. I don’t know how to sell this better than by saying that until today, an entire subset of my friends will rise up in shouting whenever last year’s competition is brought up that MOLDOVA WAS ROBBED. They should have won. They had it all. The hats, the unicyclist in tulle, the purple trousers, the incomprehensible screen show, the catchy-ass song with enough trumpets to satisfy even me. Moldova was robbed.
- Miss Kiss Kiss Bang - Alex Swings Oscar Sings / Germany 2009. Shiniest pants since Dancing Lasha Tumbai. Sexy backup dancers with high-waisted short shorts. A leather dominatrix lady on a raised sofa.A soft-shoe interlude. Collars so popped they make carbonated soda cry in shame. I can’t tell if the performers legitimately think they are sexy or not. This song is really good, additionally, which is a pleasant bonus. Do the skip-skiddlee-dee. do the heidy-heidy-ho. Do the Gucci bang bang.
- Woki mit deim Popo - Trackshittaz / Austria 2012. These guys got knocked out in the semifinals today. I think we have found our new cause. AUSTRIA WAS ROBBED. Their backup poledancers in the performance today had better outfits, with light-up underpants, not this limeblood Condesce junk. How do you say no to WOKI MIT DEIM POPO and light-up poledancers???? Voters.
IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT EUROVISION IS SOON AND SOME OF YOU HERE ARE NOT PROPERLY EDUCATED IN THE WAYS OF EUROVISIONING
thankfully past ariella is helpful as ever (✿ ∪ ◡ ∪)
im reblogging this so i will remember to view all of these later because.